Our Dreams, Ourselves

Can you remember what you used to daydream about in school? I remember reading my dad’s copy of Jack London’s “The Call of the Wild” and picturing myself writing books about man’s return to the wilderness. In my mind’s eye, I could see all the books I would be writing on a shelf. I would dream up titles for those books adorning my dream library.

One day, as a primary school student sitting at my desk, I was bored and in need of something to stimulate me. I dreamt up a sled pulled by dogs, rushing through the classroom door to take me to a faraway land to join the gold rush.

Shortly after that day, I started to forget that I wanted to be a writer. I was pushed to do homework and circle the right choices in standardised tests. My concern with the right answers, as determined by other people, took over. Any connection I had to my dreams was lost and replaced by what the Turkish education system wanted – children who picked the right answers from a list of predetermined choices.

Then we moved to the US when I was ten. But the obsession with the right answers followed me. I stopped writing in fear that I would write something wrong or that people would disagree with me. Thankfully, the urge to write resurfaced a few years ago and started taking the shape of a book, “The Wisdom of Gifts”.

Losing My Way

Sometimes we meet passionate people and their enthusiasm knocks us out of our orbit. We forget about our own path, plans and lose the map to our own heart’s content. This happened to me when I was taking a little break from revising my book. I had some time on my hands and got swept up in a new social media platform for entrepreneurs. I was transported to a time in my own life before I committed myself to write my book where I was chasing the new, shiny thing.

Of course, my entrepreneurial search for gold outside of myself, away from my desk where I write my heart’s content, was procrastination in disguise. It was fear that I had nothing to offer the world. No insight, no wisdom, no stories, no life experience. After all, what had I really accomplished in my life? Nothing more than adapting to different cultures, reconnecting with myself, becoming a mother, losing and reconnecting with myself again and sitting down and finishing the book that desperately wanted to come out of me.

When I became entangled in the entrepreneurial dream (or nightmare, however you look at it) I became a tool (perhaps a gold miner’s shovel?) for other people’s efforts to chase shiny things, instead of doing the real work which involves introspection. Through taking the time for self-examination, we find what we’re made of, our inner gold.

Before long I was writing quick and easy pieces to feed the content machine. It felt bad. It wasn’t good work. I knew better. I kept doing what I knew was the wrong thing because I did not want to disappoint and I was getting paid.

Back on My Path

Before long, my dreams brought up the image of the prostitute. Think about “Pretty Woman” and the opera she goes to, “La Traviata” all stories about human beings who’d gone astray. The real tragedy was that they lost faith in themselves.

Then one day I caught myself on that great mirror of our times, social media. It was not how I pictured myself. I was not holding up my book. I was not talking about writing books and stories. I was not associating with authors, writers, and others committed to writing a book. I had to face what I had become, a content writer. I had to disappoint someone or would end up a very frustrated, disappointed, and devalued person myself.

“Sorry, I don’t want to write any more articles. Shall we write a book instead?” this will be my proposal to my client and I’m ready for rejection. My preferred method of communication with the universe is through memoir books. I believe every life is fascinating and we have so much to learn from each and every person in this world.

Over to you…

When was a time in your life you felt like you lost touch with yourself and your personal vision of heaven on earth?

How did you find your way back?

Were there mentors and allies helping and supporting you on your journey back to your truth?

E-mail me and tell me all about it, Eda@WritePublishGrow.com